A Feeling Not Known !!!

As I sit on the corner of my bed , all covered up in quilts and whatsapping  friends (vitually socializing)..I realize its not something that is  making  me happy.Talking to friends and not feeling happy,rather feeling an eerie silence in my inner-self (it may be the empty house silence too), something is bad , really really bad.
Conversations like "nice d.p","the smileys" , " ohhh awesome" , "thats amazing","lol" are all void and have not even the tiniest connection to my sentimental half (no offense to people i am whatsapping these days)
 Never in my life I had this urge to stay away from any kind of human contact ever...(Stay away I should rather  say "run away").Whats going wrong ,once a person who cannot even have a meal of the day alone is now looking for ways to just skip any kind of company he might have..
Deep down on the inside is a feeling that seems caged in a black-box.A feeling I know is there but don't know what it is.There is something that's eating me from inside..its hard to figure out what it is.
There is no lack of trying to overcome this feeling but it's hard when  I don't even know what i am fighting against . As goes the lines from the song "Eating Me Alive",

You can sit there and tell me that I didn't try,
And I can honestly tell you that I never lied.
I can't stand this dark feeling, the shark eating me up inside.
Eating me alive.
Eating me alive

I just want to run away from this feeling  , fast and so far , that not even the tiniest black shadow of this feeling may fall on my soul..I just want to shout out so loud that my own ears become deaf to the painful howling of this feeling (not an actual deaf) and i want to cry so much that my tears drown the boat full of hideous feelings...
People reading it might feel that what a sadist I am..But trust me you would never like to be in such a position...A position of utter confusion and where you seem nonchalant only from outside but deep inside you know there's a storm rising.. A storm that may subside with only few side-effects or A storm that might wreck the city of your emotions like a tsunami..
But i wont give up and will fight till the very end..As goes the lines from " Until the End"

Alone I'll walk the winding way, here I stay
It's over, no longer I feel it growing stronger
I live to die another day, until I fade away

Why give up? Why give in? It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become desolate, it's not enough, it never is
But I will go on until the end

Surround me, it's easy to fall apart completely
I feel you creeping up again in my head
It's over, no longer I feel it growing colder
I knew this day would come to end, so let this life begin

Why give up? Why give in? It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become desolate, it's not enough, it never is
But I will go until the end

I've lost the way, I've lost the way
But I will go on until the end
Living is hard enough without you fucking up

Why give up? Why give in? It's not enough, it never is
So I will go on until the end
We've become desolate, it's not enough, it never is
But I will go on until the end

I've lost the way, I've lost the way
But I will go on until the end

The final fight, I win
The final fight, I win
The final fight, I win
But I will go on until the end

WHAT I WANT FROM LIFE !!!!!

I usually wonder why all kind of thoughts cloud up on our mind mostly during the night hours..Does our emo-level increase as the day progresses and we finally give in to our thoughts or is it something else..actually i don't care..

As I sit in the balcony of my deserted and lonely apartment embracing and enjoying the pleasures of the cool night breeze,the silver moonlight and the warmth of my cinnamon cigar ,wondering how to bide my time alone ,a feeling struck me ...hmm...i should rather say a question struck upon me.A question which i think i had the answer to,but never put any thought on it. The question which nearly everyone has "WHAT ONE WANTS FROM THEIR LIFE"..

I think about this often, but I’d hadn’t taken the time to compose an answer to this . So I did.




I want a life of experiences, and delicious, spicy curries, and chocolate cake. Of simple, comfortable fabrics to wear, of clean air and sunlight. Of fresh drinking water. For everyone.

I want a life of giving and receiving, of working hard and playing fiercely, a life of vulnerability and openness and naked risk.

I want a life where mistakes are lessons, not regrets. Where details are remembered only to the extent that they make someone feel treasured, and then they are forgotten, so that we can see the big, beautiful picture together.

I want a life of children, of partnership and karmically-connected soul mates, of imperfection, mutual adoration and consistent effort. A life of honesty and shame and recovery in each others’ arms.


I want a life of laughter, of giggles and hearty howls. Of happy, full tears streaming down the faces of loved ones, liked ones, unknown ones.

I want a life where my inbox automatically, magically unsubscribes and deletes me from any newsletter that I don’t need, where cell phone signals don’t drop in the middle of a tender, crucial conversation.

I want a life where little girls and little boys know it is not only normal, but necessary, to take really good care of themselves.

I want a life where overwhelm turns into abundance after 30 seconds of fretting.

I want a life where all beings — human and animals — are treated kindly, with respect, honor and dignity. Without abuse, neglect and horror.

I want a life of compassion, creativity and more quiet.

Of consciousness.

Of heartache.

Of humanity.

Of bliss.

Of beauty.

I want a life that is ALIVE.